two poems from 2023

I hate dates
but dates are only a drop in the sea
that I hate
sometimes I do not really hate it
I rather stare in the deceptively blue expanse and think
how well it can pretend to be blue
all the seas will dry out soon, I think
maybe that’s what my depression thinks
but for now we are one and the same
we look at the sea and think
soon there will be no dates, no months
soon there will be a black field,
earth drained and scorched
that at least will have a color

half a year ago the phone rang
afterwards a message katja call back immediately
I am calling back

I hate dates but dates overtake me
they cling to the clothes like burdock
they crawl up like ticks
they go a long way like neurons
aim at the axon terminals
and like viruses invade cns
and I am remembering

exactly half a year ago
I am calling back
then crawling all around the room like a cockroach
then buying tickets to Istanbul
from Istanbul to Min-Vody
from Min-Vody to Rostov on Don
to see my Father for the last time

we met in a very strange way
it happened in a hearse
a door of the car opened
I entered first like I was the bravest
like the bravest took place near his head
and thought what a strange meeting

I have already seen twice
sci-fi films in my dreams
in which people could be resurrected
the whole family was happy to see Father again alive and healthy

but I knew that wasn’t him
that miracles do not happen
that that was a lie
the same thought was eating me in the hearse

it’s not true that Father is dead
it’s not true that he is alive
Schrödinger’s Father

so, besides hating dates I came to despise all the mysticism
all the religions, magic, horoscopes, divinations, astrology
as someone was whispering in my ear
Father is with you and his soul is here
you can always talk to him
I wanted to ask are you fucking stupid?
here he lies, his body is under the ground,
I stand on this ground
Father is here, under my feet,
what the fuck are you talking about?
when someone tells me that they believe stars
that tarot help them to find a path in life
I think, are you fucking stupid?
my Father is under the ground
and you believe stars and cards?

I don’t know how many times
a tornado swept through my body
I guess it was a snowy tornado
since Father died in winter,
surrounded by snow and mountains
the tornado sprints somewhere in the feet
because first the knees weaken
and then it circles on the same virus trajectory
like dates
the whole body freezes ending with the head

the tornado is born when
1) someone has a phone conversation with a father
2) someone mentions mountain skiing as a cool activity
3) someone talks about death
every time I hear it
vzvzvzzzzzhhhhhhuuuuuuuuvvvvvvvvvzhzhzhzhzhzuuuuuuuuuuuvvvvvvvvvvvv

but in general it became easier to live
nothing bothers me anymore
the sea is calm again
I look at it and wonder
whether it makes sense to stay within the buoys
if one can slip on the shore and crack the skull anyway?

“maybe you won’t go to Krym now?”
“I don’t think that being in a little Krym village is more dangerous
than in Rostov on Don
and actually,
what difference does it make
if fate can overtake you anywhere”

if you can slip on the shore
I have nothing to say against this
I am also not afraid anymore

2.08.2023

---

fatal

for a while I had a romance with a German
he was not exactly the German that
other nations love to portray
he was quite ordentlich
and almost always pünktlich
but very flexible
and he paid for my coffee

once we went to a bar, very german-ly,
to his Stammkneipe closer to home
we met his german friends
we drunk german beer
we walked around the german capital
and we were speaking german
then we returned to a german Wohnung
and lay down in a german Bett

and as soon as my Kopf touched the pillow
I realized:
I am so fucking tired of everything german

from being drunk german-ly I turned into a drunk Russian
and started hassling my German with questions
well, actually, with one question
and then with answers,
so, I really doebalas, if we speak Russian

cause even though he lacked the full germanness
he did not know my Russian soul

I’m telling him
do you know what FATUM is, darling? understand? wherever you are, wherever you hide, inevitability is I NE VI TAB LE. Unvermeidlichkeit. nothing happens by chance, it’s fate. Schicksal, verstanden? why am I here, with you, why am I in this german country? why am I laying in your Bett? do you think I chose this? you chose this? what do you even know… I am an accident, you are an accident, we are two accidents of our parents. as well as our first meeting, our dates, our trips to each other. do you believe in the free will? individualism? it sounds somewhat childish, my love

and so my German listened to me
I don’t remember if he listened with great enthusiasm
perhaps he only pretended to listen

whatever

7.08.2023